Periodically, some researcher tries to convince us that our toilets are cleaner than our kitchens.

Periodically, some researcher tries to convince us that our toilets are cleaner than our kitchens.


A recent Associated Press story detailed how kitchen sponges are hotbeds of salmonella and kitchen sinks are contaminated with fecal matter.


There is just no way to word this delicately, but to the very best of my knowledge nobody has ever pooped in my kitchen, whereas, frankly, people do that in my bathroom all the time. So I’m really questioning the researcher’s claims.


But then, I also question the oft-made claim that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s.


I have yet to see either of my dogs floss, brush, or use mouthwash. I have, however, seen them happily munch on dead squirrels and pick garbage off the street. Plus, they frequently lick their unmentionable body parts.


But wait a minute. Come to think of it, if humans are drinking water from their plague-ridden kitchens and dogs are drinking from the oh-so-hygienic toilets, perhaps it all makes sense after all.


So maybe we should listen to the wise researchers who are warning us just how filthy our kitchens are compared to our nice clean bathrooms.


I, for one, will no longer make the mistake of cleaning produce in the kitchen. No doubt that’s the real source of the recent tomato-salmonella outbreak, as well as last year’s spinach recalls. The silly members of the public were foolishly washing their veggies in their dirty kitchens -- which as we all know is just begging for trouble.


Instead, I suggest you dunk your bunch of spinach in the toilet bowl and flush. No doubt the veggies will come out practically sterile.


The only thing to remember is that you must never, ever bring your contaminated kitchen sponge into the sterile confines of your toilet. We cannot have those disgusting kitchen germs contaminating your pristine bathroom.


After all, you may have at one point washed a carrot contaminated with a small, unseen trace of fecal matter in your kitchen, completely ruining the entire room, germ-wise, for all time.


Another surprise that the researchers have sprung on us is that bachelor-types who seldom bother to wipe off their countertops had cleaner kitchens than Suzie Homemaker types who hit all their surfaces with sponges.


I agree that sponges are nasty and I don’t use them in my kitchen. I use a freshly laundered dishrag each time I wash dishes or wipe countertops, and when I’m done I pop it right back into the laundry.


However, I realized after putting all these facts together that the most sanitary option would no doubt be to train my dogs to carefully lick the sink and countertops clean everyday with their nice hygienic tongues.


I know my kitchen sink isn’t as desirable as my toilet, but maybe my dogs will agree to help me out anyway.


Michelle Teheux may be reached at (309) 346-1111 or mteheux@pekintimes.com.