If you ever find yourself confused and annoyed by teens, which you probably do if you've ever attended a movie, boy, are you gonna want to treat me to a piping hot Cracker Barrel dinner for this one.
If you ever find yourself confused and annoyed by teens, which you probably do if you've ever attended a movie, boy, are you gonna want to treat me to a piping hot Cracker Barrel dinner for this one. There is a new and very magical device that makes teens disappear, but no, it doesn't work by offering them not-lame places to go or not-ridiculous things to do -- it drives them slowly insane via a mysterious high-frequency repeating signal that only they can hear! (I know, it seems scientifically impossible that someone could invent a sound only teens can detect, but then again, they've already done it with Chris Brown and whenever somebody talks on "The Hills.") The device in question is called the Mosquito, and it is marketed by a company with the decidedly non-hip name of Compound Security, which I don't know much about, other than that I'll bet they have like zero MySpace friends. The Mosquito is a device that is attached to your building, wall, neighborhood or roller rink that emits a low (or possibly high, I sort of tuned out of audio-frequency week in home ec) frequency noise that most humans can't hear, but that drives young people slowly nuts, much like algebra or civic volunteering or the prospects of any of them ever having health care. Now let me preface this by saying I have no idea how this works, or if this works, and I'm a little skeptical of the science, although I highly enjoy the promotional advertising photo, which features two Young Troublemakers, both clad in black hoodies and one with a wisp of Avril Lavigne hair curled over her eye as if to say, "I can smoke here if I want to, Principal Jerkface," cowering underneath a scary-looking Orwell loudspeaker and putting their hands over their ears, like the rest of us do when they play their Lil’ Wayne music or whatever. So, as people often do when they are adults and need cold, hard facts, let us turn to the marketing department at Compound Security, the company behind the Mosquito Kid Deterrent Device (real name), which posted the following at I-Swear-To-You-I'm-Not-Kidding Kidsbegone.com: "The Mosquito ultrasonic teenage deterrent is the solution to the eternal problem of unwanted gatherings of youths and teenagers in shopping malls and around shops. The presence of these teenagers discourages genuine shoppers and customers’ from coming to your shop, affecting your turnover and profits." Wait, but what about the shops? The Kidsbegone.com Web site, which is forever waiting for its first digg, goes on to include this helpful testimonial from some extremely old shop owner named Robert Gough in England, who said about the device: "Either someone has come along and wiped them off the face of the Earth, or it's working." Ha! Genocide is always a good thing to bring up in ad copy, assuming, of course, you can't figure out some way to work in the racist jokes or anything about abortion. But the Mosquito isn't just for people who are looking to exterminate large groups of people from the planet: "Is your business suffering from anti social youths driving your customers away?" the site continues, getting a solid if unspectacular percentage of its grammar right. "Are you bothered by crowds of teenager’s hanging around your street or business and making life unpleasant?" it continues again, fundamentally misconstruing the use of the apostrophe. No, the Mosquito is for anyone bothered by anything that can't solve the problem by themselves! Well, I think it's a fantastic idea, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that all crime and shadiness are perpetrated by teens, who must be muscled out of all areas in which they congregate and moved on to, well, anywhere, it kind of doesn't matter, as long as it's not here. (Incidentally, the news story I'm looking at regarding young punk teens offers a helpfully direct Google ad link to "Teen Bikini Girls," which is a much more effective way of keeping them off the streets). Jeff Vrabel can be reached at www.jeffvrabel.com.